No matter who you are, where you are from, or your age, at some point in your life, you WILL lose someone. People pass away, it is simply what happens. I do not say this to be insensitive or apathetic, but rather to say, life ends in death. At some point, if you have not already, you will lose someone and death will become real to you. Maybe it will be a grandparent, a parent, or a friend (or a pet), by old age, heart attack, or car accident. Life is unpredictable, and death even more so.
I am no stranger to the death of loved ones. I lost three grandparents at a young age, however, and the thought of death was nothing big to me. I was a child, and I did not really understand the fact that they simply were no more. I was told, "They have gone to live with God. You will seem them again in heaven.", and that was that. When I was 16, I got my first taste of how cruel death really was when a friend and classmate fell asleep at the wheel and died in a head-on collision. I thought to myself, and probably voiced, "Wait...this is not right...he was only 17." Yet death is no respecter of age. J.J. and I were friends, but not extremely close. I cried, I was hurt, I was angry, but I still did not fully understand.
J.J. and I, Freshman Year, 2009
Fast forward almost 3 years. October of 2012. Another friend, another car accident. This time, the boy, Tyler, and I had been closer. We had "dated" briefly in Jr. High. He had been my homecoming escort when I was in the tenth grade. His little sister was one of my best friends. Again, I cried out to God, "Why?" After all, he was young, and healthy. He had a wife and a small child. This was unfair. Again, I cried, I was hurt, and I was angry.
Tyler and I, Homecoming 2010
Another year went by - October 2013. All was well, I still thought of my friends, and missed them. But I had healed. It had been 2 years since I graduated high school. I will repeat myself, death is no respecter of age, or persons, or relationships, or anything at all. My cell phone rang, and part of me to this day wishes that I had never answered the call. Another car accident, but this time, my best friend from high school. No, I told myself. Not him, not Dylan. I was hit with immediate pain, and then guilt. When was the last time I had talked to him? Seen him? What did I say? Did he know what he meant to me? Over the next several weeks, I tried to wrap my head around Dylan's death. He had always been the person I could talk to about anything. He was the type of friend that you go go weeks or months without talking to, but when you did talk, it was like no time had passed at all. He was sweet, and happy, and funny, and wonderful. Dylan was a funny joke, a giant hug, and an AMAZING person. Dylan was my senior homecoming escort. We sat together on every bus trip. We bought each other lunch, and drove each other around. We skipped class together, and every morning of my senior year, I was met with a giant hug. Why did it have to be him? This time I was very angry. I questioned God over and over, "Why? Why? Why?"
In the 8 months since Dylan's death, I've learned a lot. I've learned 2 things primarily:
1. Never EVER take people, or life, for granted. Do you love your family, your friends? Tell them. Show them. Life is short, and fleeting. Things happen, and people die. Please, please, please remember that. Treasure those people whom you care about. Don't let them slip away.
2. You cannot bow to the anger and guilt. Chances are, you've suffered loss. Maybe it made you angry, and maybe it shook you to your core. That's what Dylan's death did to me. For months, I bowed to the anger. I was angry at God for taking my friend. I was angry at myself for letting our friendship fall to the wayside after high school. But one day I woke up, and I realized that Dylan would not want me to live an angry life. If he were here, he would be doing everything in his power to make me laugh or smile again, and trust me, he could always do that. God has a plan for everyone. His plan for Dylan simply ended earlier than what I thought it should. Always remember that God is in control, and everything will go according to His will.
Losing loved ones sucks. There's just no other way to put it. It really freaking hurts, and you know what? It's okay to hurt, but you CANNOT hold on to the pain forever. Hold on to the happy memories. Hold on to the times you smiled with that person, or the things you did. Find things that remind you of those people, and smile about it. The colors white, lime green, and pink make me think of J.J. Cowboy hats, car hart vests, and jeans tucked in to boots make me think of Tyler. What makes me think of Dylan? Most things, really. Especially Bold flavored Chex Mix, I <3 Boobies bracelets, goofy grins, big hugs...so many memories. Of course, I still get sad. I still cry. I still have days were I pick up my phone to text him. It might get "easier", but it never goes away. However, I know now that he would want me to smile, so that's what I will do, just keep smiling.
This is the last photo that Dylan and I took together, around a year and a half ago. I love you, dear. Thank you for being a part of my life.
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