Thursday, June 5, 2014

The art of loss.


     No matter who you are, where you are from, or your age, at some point in your life, you WILL lose someone.  People pass away, it is simply what happens.  I do not say this to be insensitive or apathetic, but rather to say, life ends in death.  At some point, if you have not already, you will lose someone and death will become real to you.  Maybe it will be a grandparent, a parent, or a friend (or a pet), by old age, heart attack, or car accident.  Life is unpredictable, and death even more so.  

   I am no stranger to the death of loved ones.  I lost three grandparents at a young age, however, and the thought of death was nothing big to me.  I was a child, and I did not really understand the fact that they simply were no more.  I was told, "They have gone to live with God. You will seem them again in heaven.", and that was that.  When I was 16, I got my first taste of how cruel death really was when a friend and classmate fell asleep at the wheel and died in a head-on collision.  I thought to myself, and probably voiced, "Wait...this is not right...he was only 17." Yet death is no respecter of age.  J.J. and I were friends, but not extremely close.  I cried, I was hurt, I was angry, but I still did not fully understand.
J.J. and I, Freshman Year, 2009


    Fast forward almost 3 years.  October of 2012.  Another friend, another car accident.  This time, the boy, Tyler, and I had been closer.  We had "dated" briefly in Jr. High.  He had been my homecoming escort when I was in the tenth grade.  His little sister was one of my best friends.  Again, I cried out to God, "Why?"  After all, he was young, and healthy.  He had a wife and a small child.  This was unfair.  Again, I cried, I was hurt, and I was angry.

Tyler and I, Homecoming 2010


    Another year went by - October 2013.  All was well, I still thought of my friends, and missed them.  But I had healed.  It had been 2 years since I graduated high school. I will repeat myself, death is no respecter of age, or persons, or relationships, or anything at all.  My cell phone rang, and part of me to this day wishes that I had never answered the call.  Another car accident, but this time, my best friend from high school.  No, I told myself. Not him, not Dylan.  I was hit with immediate pain, and then guilt.  When was the last time I had talked to him? Seen him? What did I say?  Did he know what he meant to me?  Over the next several weeks,  I tried to wrap my head around Dylan's death.  He had always been the person I could talk to about anything.  He was the type of friend that you go go weeks or months without talking to, but when you did talk, it was like no time had passed at all.  He was sweet, and happy, and funny, and wonderful.  Dylan was a funny joke, a giant hug, and an AMAZING person.  Dylan was my senior homecoming escort. We sat together on every bus trip.  We bought each other lunch, and drove each other around.  We skipped class together, and every morning of my senior year, I was met with a giant hug.  Why did it have to be him?  This time I was very angry.  I questioned God over and over, "Why? Why? Why?"   
     
     In the 8 months since Dylan's death, I've learned a lot.  I've learned 2 things primarily:

1.  Never EVER take people, or life, for granted.  Do you love your family, your friends? Tell them.  Show them.  Life is short, and fleeting.   Things happen, and people die.  Please, please, please remember that.  Treasure those people whom you care about.  Don't let them slip away.

2.  You cannot bow to the anger and guilt.  Chances are, you've suffered loss.  Maybe it made you angry, and maybe it shook you to your core.  That's what Dylan's death did to me.  For months, I bowed to the anger.  I was angry at God for taking my friend.  I was angry at myself for letting our friendship fall to the wayside after high school.  But one day I woke up, and I realized that Dylan would not want me to live an angry life.   If he were here, he would be doing everything in his power to make me laugh or smile again, and trust me, he could always do that.  God has a plan for everyone.  His plan for Dylan simply ended earlier than what I thought it should.  Always remember that God is in control, and everything will go according to His will.  

    Losing loved ones sucks.  There's just no other way to put it.  It really freaking hurts, and you know what? It's okay to hurt, but you CANNOT hold on to the pain forever.  Hold on to the happy memories.  Hold on to the times you smiled with that person, or the things you did.  Find things that remind you of those people, and smile about it.  The colors white, lime green, and pink make me think of J.J.  Cowboy hats, car hart vests, and jeans tucked in to boots make me think of Tyler.  What makes me think of Dylan? Most things, really.  Especially Bold flavored Chex Mix, I <3 Boobies bracelets,  goofy grins, big hugs...so many memories.  Of course, I still get sad. I still cry.  I still have days were I pick up my phone to text him.  It might get "easier", but it never goes away.  However, I know now that he would want me to smile, so that's what I will do, just keep smiling.


This is the last photo that Dylan and I took together, around a year and a half ago.  I love you, dear.  Thank you for being a part of my life.

  

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Carpe diem.



Chase the sun
but embrace the moon --
Never stop running
until you can reach out your hand and
Seize the day.

The wonder of wander.



I fell in love
with the sun on my face
and the wind in my hair,
with the unknown path at my feet,
and the adventure of losing myself
to find it again.
I fell in love
with the very wonder of wander,
and I am never looking back.


   When I was about 14, I fell in love with the idea of travel.  Why? Who knows really, considering that at the time I had never been anywhere other than Branson, MO on family vacation.  Regardless, I longed to wander, and that sense of adventure has never ceased.  My very soul yearns to run, to explore, and to live a life of adventure.  I long to take a plane to a foreign land, to drive from coast to coast, to backpack across Europe, and to find myself in places that I have never been.  Maybe it sounds crazy, I mean, after all, one person cannot really do all those things, right? Wrong.  One person, if they really want, can do any things they can imagine, and I plan to do as many things as possible.

   My love for wandering culminated about a year ago with my first flight, and my first overseas trip.  As I boarded the plane from Houston International to Lima, Peru, I had goosebumps.  I was preparing myself to serve God and the people in Trujillo, and at the same time I couldn't believe I was actually doing it.  I was actually boarding a plane.  I was actually going to a different country.  The feeling was amazing, and to this day, still occasionally unbelievable.  I've been to South America? Oh, yeah! I have!

     This small adventure (more like 5,000 mile away adventure) sparked within me an even stronger thirst to explore. The thought never leaves my mind, and the dreams never die.  However, I find myself struggling, desperate for the funds and the chance to escape into the world, the chance to explore.  I will do it, that part is certain, but the 'when' of things eats at me constantly.

   So maybe I am just a dreamer to society, a modern day Peter Pan if you will - but even Peter Pan reaches Neverland.




Fearless, free.

The essence of my very soul
yearns to go,
to run,
fearless and free --
Searching for life
and for dreams
that make up me --
Attempt not to follow,
For I know not where I will be --
Nothing more than fearless,
nothing more than free.

Home is where the heart is.






I can hear the waves crashing
on the shores of my heart,
calling me away to a home
I have yet to know.

Heartbeats are the call from home.

My heart beats fasts
like the sound of a drum,
calling to my soul,
"Run. Run. Run."


Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Relationship status: It doesn't matter.

-"5 Reasons I got Engaged before 23"
-"20 Things to do Instead of Getting Engaged." 
-"15 Things a Husband should tell his Wife."
-"17 Reasons to Stay Single"

  Every time I open Facebook, my timeline is flooded with these links. Everyone shares their own opinion. To be single or to be in a serious relationship. To backpack across Europe or to get married. To fall in love with myself or to fall in love with a soul mate. But if I'm honest, I've kind of had enough. Being single (for what I will admit is the first time in a while), I of course relate to the posts about learning to be an independant person who follows her dreams and stands on her own and blah blah blah. However, I've seen both sides of the argument. Falling in love is fantastic. Having a partner that you can count on and being reassured that you'll never be alone? Amazing. There's absolutely nothing wrong with falling head over heels in love, even at a relatively young age. However, there is also nothing wrong with being single - discovering who you are as an individual - finding out your true likes, dislikes, dreams, and beliefs. It is an equally amazing feeling. I say stop pushing young adults into one side or the other -- the married or the wandering.

   1) Why choose? Being in love doesn't mean giving up dreams. It means having a partner to fulfill those dreams with. A relationship means compromise and maturity yes, but who says you can't continue to live. 
  2) IT DOESN'T MATTER. Single people: being in a relationship is wonderful. Or it should be anyway. It's not a disease. Love is grand. Married/relationship people: being single does not mean being a failure. It simply means that love isn't in the table at the moment. 
  
  Why do we constant push people into one or the other? Why is it such a big deal? If you're single, that's great! Live, be happy, enjoy life! If you're in a relationship, that's great, too! Again, live, be happy, enjoy life!

  Each person has a different story and each person is on a different page. Don't judge or harsh on people who aren't at the same spot in life as you are, even if you're the same age. So what if I'm single at 20? I've got plenty of time. I'm learning who I am! But you know what? Maybe I'll find the person God has made for me tomorrow and marry them within the year! That's great, too! Either way, I choose to be happy. I refuse to waste time worrying. I will live my life, and I will be happy. Maybe tomorrow I won't feel this way. Maybe tomorrow I will absolutely love being single. Maybe tomorrow I will cry because I am alone. Who knows! But today, I say status does not matter. Happy is what matters, today, tomorrow, and for life.