Hi, my name is Kenzi, and I hate college. Really though. This post is just a slight rant, because at this point I'm feeling EXTREMELY stressed and I just need to vent. You might want to read it from a safe place. Ready? Mmk.
Part 1: Spring Broke.
Spring break is the holy grail of breaks when you are in college. Seriously. (Some might say summer break, but I take classes year around so...it doesn't count.) The weather is lovely, and it comes at the point in the semester when I'm ready to give up most. HOWEVER. This spring break was broken. It rained. A lot. Bummer. But it didn't matter, because in college, you get homework over break. Now at first it wasn't so bad. I simply had to finish a drawing assignment I was already 70% done with. No biggie. But then, oh but then. Thursday before spring break started I had to turn in a film photography project. Now, for those who don't know, processing and printing film is ... Well. Not fun. It takes FOR. EV. ER. SO...I take my 4 rolls of film, (the project is to capture motion blur) and process it, and begin trying to print my required 6 photos. Oh look! Every last one of these photos is out of focus. I did not have a tripod. My project is ruined. I spend hours trying to work this out, only to end up on a puddle of tears and frustration. My prof kindly gives me a tripod (too little, too late) and says I can retry over spring break (grade deduction). Boom. More homework.
On top of this homework, something else that a broke college student does on spring break is work. And work. And work. Apparently. Or maybe that's just the lot I was given. Generally I serve Friday night's, and a double on Saturdays and that's it (to ensure time for homework). On my spring break I worked Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and a double on Saturday. (Too all of you who work 9-5 everyday, or full time, or whatever, shh. I know my schedule isn't that bad, but I'm ranting remember?) So now my break is basically full of homework and work work. I am exhausted. I am stressed. I am bored. Wait, what? Spring break is over?! But...but...nooooo! *dramatic fist shaking* but alas. I digress...sort of...
Part 2: Reality returns.
Fast forward. Today, the Monday after spring break. The worst Monday of all. I return to class thinking, "only 5 more weeks. I've got this. ". I try to ignore my stress level. Class 1 of the day: Spanish. Español esta no malo. Except, my lovely professor decided to remind me of the large amount of work I have to do in the next two weeks. Thanks for that. Class 2: Cognitive psych. Now, I love psych. I do. I'm generally good at it. This class, not so much. It's interesting. It makes sense in class. Hand me a test? Bam, D+...so obviously I'm already stressing out here. After that, I'm done for the day. I go home, try to be productive, and make my appointment to register for summer and fall classes. 1 class in May. 2 classes in June. July off. 16 hours in the fall. That's fun. Its not like I already want to drop out or anything, so I might as well pile it on right? I mean, why on earth would I let myself have a break? I'm superwoman. Except not. I'm freaking out. I want to stop going to college every single day. Seriously. But...moving on. At 5, I return to the darkroom to redo that photo project I mentioned before. Now if you've made it this far without feeling my stress, please pause to pop some popcorn, because we are about to start eating our feelings here. I spend a few hours printing when I started getting frustrated. My photos look exactly the same as the first set. Overexposed and blurry as crap. Why. Why. Why. I know I did it the way she said. Why can't I get this right? Suddenly I'm overwhelmed. Cue the anger, the hair pulling, and yes the waterworks. Also, mix in some embarrassment because I'm a 20 year old girl crying because she can't get her homework correct in front of another 20 year old girl who is have absolutely no problems. My project is due TOMORROW and is still not done. Guess who is getting a 0?
My point?
I'm stressed. I'm exhausted. (If you know me at all, you know that I don't sleep well anyway). I'm eating my feelings, which leads to guilt, which leads to an internal battle with myself over my appearance. Then my Brain decides to add, "Not only are you stressed and fat, but you're also lazy, you're face is broken out, and you suck at everything." Thanks brain. So basically, my life right now is me arguing with myself over school and weight. I feel as if I have no time for homework for 5 classes, no time for work work, and no time to take care of myself, much less time to spend with friends/family. I'm exhausted, and have no motivation to work out or study or even get out of bed most days. I am in a rut. Seriously. Added bonus: go ahead and ask me what I plan to do with my degree. Or maybe ask if I'm going to grad school. If you do though, bring a tissue and pint of ice cream because the answer is a big fat I DON'T KNOW, followed by a side of tears, some binge eating, and some guilt.
I guess there isn't actually a point to this post. It's just word vomit. I feel slightly better I suppose, and if you actually read this entirely, kudos to youdos.
I guess I will make my point this: prayers, good vibes, good luck charms, time machines, ice cream, French fries, videos of cute animals, motivational stickers, and pity appreciated.
Thank you. I'll be here all week. End rant.
